Cause she had a bad day...

Some people say they write the best words when they're feeling sad. I don't want to confirm this stereotype, because that would mean I'm in a waive of inspiration right now (even though i don't feel like writing at all).

I feel like...
I feel like... crying out loud (maybe), who would it bother in this lonely house? It would wake up my dear 'diertjes': Jip would lift one ear and continue his running dreaam, Ankie wouldn't even make a move. What do they dream about? I know they feel lonely too... Would they feel the same as I do? Living a day full of missing just with the hope for one moment... seeing (or in my case: chatting) the person they love back in the evening? That would mean I am the person they love. But some times this week I felt a stranger for my own pets. When I had to provide them with food (Why do all these dog- and cat foodindustries, produce such a stinky, horrible and distastefull meat for man's best friend? If course, I sprinted to the Bio-Store as soon I heard there really exists something called 'Yarra's Vegetarian dog Food'. Anyway, the store didn't have it in stock, which made me wait for 2 weeks (still 1 week to go now).
But no, I don't feel missed at all, while I had one of the worst missingweeks ever. Especially on this own moment, it feels like the world is slipping through my hands. There's a wall between me and the people I miss. A wall called 'voicemail' and 'offline' between Pieter and me, a wall called 'Leon' (my father) between me and my mother far away in Turkije. I heard she sounded hidingly sad on the phone, but then the connection failed. Calling again made it worse. The Turkish guy on the reception desk was surprised by hearing me ask for room nr 230 two times on a row. Room 230 didn't bring more information about my mom, only an annoying dad asking irrelevent questions which answers I had to repeat at loud voice (because he didn't really listen). I can cry if I want, I can shout... and that's what I did on the phone. But shouting didn't work either. Leon still didn't listen and forced me to repeat... just as long till tbe connection broke again...
Why Pieter? Why aren't you there when I need you so badly?

I miss a secure life. I miss friends of who I know I can 'really' call them in the middle of the night (if you consider 12:58am the middle of the night). A friend who accepts you when you cry, but also when you just want to be silent together. I have more than 200 facebookfriends, but at this right moment, I feel I lost everything in this barefooted world. I'm shoeless in a field of glass pieces. Of course I trust my friends, but I'm sure they would be to surprised (and tired) to hear my voice through a static mobile phone speaker. I would feel annoyed because of my own silence... making a fool of myself. Because I don't have real reasons to feel as sad as I do right now. Actually I have to feel great because of my nearly-totally vegan diet. I almost succeed in the promisses I made to myself. But in the evening I fail... looking forward to that little lovely chat before night begs for sleep. Looking forward to these little carefull and soathing words... but end in 'ok and offline'. The food is okay, but my emotions explode in the atmosphere of loneliness.

At the moment you discover life makes no sense, you have two choices (at least that's what my tutorial manual says about postmodernism): you can wish to die or color in the black-and-white drawing of your own by yourself. At the moment I don't feel like painting... just wanna cry and sleep forever...